The End is the Beginning

Today is the first day after I have completed my 40 day fast. It started out as 14 days- it grew to 21 days and before long, it was 40. It has been the longest 40 days of my life!!!!!!! I had come to a point of not having cravings for specific foods but just missing the action of eating. Looking at people put food in their mouth was fascinating lol! Anyway now that I’ve finished I need to slowly get back into eating and I need to put on at least 3kg.

That’s all the physical part of it and now for the reasons behind it and what happened through the journey. I started this fast looking for direction. That’s all I wanted- a hand to point me to the way and I can walk it. Of course God had other ideas (I could imagine being like ‘finally I have her where I want her, let me now deal with what I want to deal with). Have you ever come to God asking for something and the answer He gives seems to have NOTHING to do with what you asked? Be comforted, you are not alone! Our conversations ran along the lines of this:

Me: Daddy look at this, what do you want me to do?

Daddy: Mimi, I want your heart

Me: Yes I know, here it is, now about this thing again- what do you want me to do?

Daddy: Mimi, I want your heart

(you can imagine by now I’m getting just a little (tiny) bit testy- so I rephrase)

Me: Daddy, I am all yours. In this situation, tell me your will so I may do it

(see how ‘spiritual’ that sounds)

Daddy: Mimi, I want your HEART

(Nope not fooled one bit)

Me: yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!! I’ve said yes already! I want to know what to do!!!!!

Daddy: *silence*

Yup………..so much fun! (but this does happen to you right? Its not just me?)

This happened a lot during the first few days until it finally dawned on me (hey I was desperate so it took longer than my normal brain takes) I was going about the whole thing wrong. About 1 week had passed by now. So I asked God what He wanted of me during this fast. First thing He said, ‘I want 21 days’. So that was how the first extension for my fast came about. During that time, I came to Him with no agenda, no request and just waited on Him. Some days He answered immediately, other days He wouldn’t say anything for hours and other day He would be completely silent. The lesson wasn’t in what He would say, the lesson was in waiting; not on my time (ok I’ll do QT for an hr- God speak), but on God’s time (I’m just going to wait until You speak). Yes you still have to function in the real world and I still went to work and still went to gym and still did all I was supposed to do- but while doing it, I was waiting on God (consciously, actively).

I had reached 20 days and I was relaxed and felt like I had achieved something. While in my sister’s room I came across this book:

 It’s a really short read, like about 60 pages. So I sat down and read it in one go. It was a wake up call. It’s not that what was in the book was anything new, it was just a ‘light bulb’ moment. When the same thing has been told to you over and over  again and then one day when its said you are like  ’wow’. I call it revelation of the HS. Anyway the crux of the matter was I was short-changing myself and God; myself because I had settled for a very mediocre encounter with God and God because He could do so much more in me but I was limiting Him. And hence my fast was extended to 40 days. Honestly I think from the beginning God wanted me to go 40 days but knowing me, if He told me to do it, I would have gone about it kicking and screaming. Now because it was ‘my idea’ to do it, I was totally willing.

The rest of the journey was filled with highs and lows. The highs were moments of total clarity in what God was saying and responding to it. The lows were the moments of dejection; when to believe you were changing or believing fasting was making a difference, was really hard. But even in the lows I was reminded that if so many negative thoughts were bombarding me, I must be on the right path!

In the end, I came back to the beginning; Mimi, I want your heart. This time my response was what He wanted.

Fasting is not the end. It’s not a time to draw near to God and after the fast, we go back to our regular lives. Fasting is a means of coming to a new closeness with God; a place where we are more receptive to changes He wants to make in us and allow those changes to take place; we come to a knew revelation and understanding of who GOD is and who WE are in Him. All this so that at the end of the fast, you (this changed you) can go ahead into a new level in your relationship with God and not go back to ‘life as usual’. Its that wake up call to being called to something greater than you can ever be on your own (you’ve always understood it but the ‘greater’ is so much greater now!). And its funny that the more you respond to this call, the more its not ‘you’ responding. Its Him in you. All you are doing is getting out of the way so that He can do His work.

The end of the fast is the beginning of this prayer:

Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down,that the mountains would tremble before you!

As when fire sets twigs ablaze and causes water to boil, come down to make your name known to your enemies and cause the nations to quake before you!

For when you did awesome things that we did not expect, you came down and the mountains trembled before you.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him

You come to the help of those who gladly do right, who remember your ways. but when we continued to sin against them, you were angry. How then can we be saved?

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like wind our sins sweep us away.

No one calls on your name or strives to lay hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us and made us waste away because of our sins.

Yet, Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

Isaiah 64:1-8

God, Limitless and Perfect

⁹For our knowledge is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect), and our prophecy (our teaching) is fragmentary (incomplete and imperfect).

¹⁰But when the complete and perfect (total) comes, the incomplete and imperfect will vanish away (become antiquated, void, and superseded).

¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man, I am done with childish ways and have put them aside.

¹²For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understandfully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].

Yesterday a friend of mine reminded me of something very important. I know in part and prophecy in part. In other words- I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!!!!( Shocking I know) What I mean is God gives a message, a dream, a vision, a prophecy….whatever you want to call it and sometimes
L I get so caught up in it and looking into my life and trying to think of the way everything going on in my life will connect to the aforementioned message/dream/vision/prophecy that I put God in a box. I think along the lines of ‘Hey God, for the message you gave me to come to pass, you gotta do this or do that’. And so when I was reminded that I know only in part, I became so relieved! I’m human and limited and imperfect while He is God, limitless and perfect. So who will I trust?

I’m a quote person, so obviously I have a couple that are prevalent and here they are:

We’re not Doubting that God will do the best for us; we’re wondering how painful the best will turn out to be – CS Lewis

I read this and laughed- seriously (I bet you did too) coz it’s so true! A lot of my struggle with alignment with the will of God and giving up my own ideas for myself has not been about doubting God’s plans are better and bigger; its been about doubting my ability to go through the pain. Because there is pain, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Giving up your rights is painful, giving up a dream is painful especially if God gave you that dream to begin with. But you can see the flaw in my thinking- its focused on me (remember I am human, limited and imperfect) instead of focused on Him (God, limitless and perfect). Because I can’t in my own strength, He says “I can, through you”. That’s His grace and His love, that though I have to go through the pain (it being necessary), He is there with me, strengthening me and loving me through it.

Persistance in prayer doesn’t change God. It shapes us for the answer- Bill Johnson

Earlier on in the year when I got my first rejection, God gave me Luke 18:1-7. When I got it, it was my driving force to pray (still is). But never make the mistake of seeking the hand of God before seeking His face. I realize that yes, when I first got this scripture, it was what I needed to not feel dejected or abandoned by God. But later this scripture came to mean to me how much, in praying persistently, God was changing me. He knows what His answer will be and how He will answer. What He is doing is changing me so that when He does say it, my response will be aligned. I don’t have a measure to see how much I have changed, but God is the potter and I am but clay- can the clay say to the potter ‘why did you make me?’. I need to be constantly mold-able in His hands. And God already told me the method He will use for me- prayer and not just that but persistent prayer. And so with my heart on the alter, I pray away……

God is preparing you for what He has prepared for you- Ed Young

This is a constant reminder that every season has a reason and every reason is part of a plan that my eyes cannot see or my mind comprehend. And to God, the journey is as important (if not more important) than the destination.

Now knowing all this is well and good but I have come to value the importance of everyday starting from the beginning- Asking God for a clean heart, one that desires to follow Him. Some days its easier to ask than others but I’ve found that focusing on God instead of me has a natural response of ‘Here I am Lord, do with me what You will’.

Oh course worship songs help and this one took the words right out of my heart:

Faithful

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “my way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.

ISAIAH 40:27-31

God knows me better and understands me better than I do myself. That was not made obvious to me more now than ever before. Even before I know what I need to hear, He says it. Even before I know I’m tired or weary, He strengthens me.

Today He gave me the above passage and by the time I read the 2nd line, tears were already falling. Had I been complaining? Had I began to think that ‘my cause was disregarded by my God’? Yes I had. Not consciously but it had started. With the change in the way I prayed. From confidence in Him and His promises and the fact that it will come to pass, I had become a beggar who didn’t think I’d get the whole meal and just settled for scraps thrown off the table. I didn’t think I’d ever see those promises. It sounds melodramatic and it is. Maybe that’s why I didn’t acknowledge this change of attitude- I hate melodramatic behavior. But God has answered even before I raised the question consciously.

When did I start doubting Him? Hasn’t He always come through? Has He ever failed? He WILL come through. It’s in His very nature to remain faithful to His word, to perform it. Because of this, my hope is renewed. What is faith but being sure of what we hope for. So before faith, their is hope and surety in that hope is faith. What is the point of faith if you have seen that which you hope for? No, faith brings that which you hope for into existence.

So I will HOPE
and I will have FAITH
and I will SEE

For He has promised. And He is FAITHFUL

David and Jonathan

To start off with, I find totally not fair that though we have a brilliant example of friendship between two guys in the bible, we don’t have one of women (Please correct me if I’m wrong).  So I decided in view of that, I will tell the stories of my david-jonathan friends who are female. So here I go in no particular order:

I start off with in Joan. For the life of me even though I know the story our first conversation (in which I was my usual intimidating self), I do not remember it. But boy am I glad that despite you thinking I didn’t like you, we became friends- very good friends. Seriously I hear your voice in my head saying ‘Naomi smile’ or when you tell me I was too cruel. You don’t know this (or maybe you do) but you are a very big reason why my behaviour towards others changed. I have always thought that the sign of a good friendship is when your friend loves you for who you are but loves you too much to leave you that way – and you have definitely changed me. And if there is one person I am guaranteed to tell me even what I don’t want to hear, its you- thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 I am the first to admit that I’m not the easiest person to get along with. I also admit that I have a tendency of appearing scary and unapproachable. I am blunt and to the point. Not that comforting (ok let me be honest, not comforting at all). I could go on, but this part is supposed to be about Mal. The reason I’ve started like this? Because despite all I’ve said, you allowed me to be your mentor. Yes I do mean allowed. You have given me such a huge (humongous, gigantic, overwhelming- you get the point) blessing to know you and lead you. I look at you sometimes and I’m like ‘wow’. Especially when people say some of what you do is like me (though I have to admit, that scares me!). I love your strength. I know sometimes you don’t think you are strong but I know you are seriously stronger than you think. I love your love for God. Seeing that grow has been one of the most rewarding things in my whole life. You are a beautiful person and I’m happy beyond words to have had a very small part in bringing that beauty out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where to start………Jasmine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My first mentor and always will be my mentor. More than that, my friend. Wow I’ve grown right? Since you first started with me. Man I really give you hand clap for sticking with me! For saying what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. For keeping quiet and not telling me what you thought and allowing me to come to the same conclusion on my own. For seeing in me what I sometimes still don’t see in myself. For praying and crying for me. For sharing from your heart and allowing me to see the real you, and from that, giving me strength to show you the real me and hope that God works even when we don’t think He is working. For the laughs -many laughs, the shared joys and pains. The struggles and the triumphs. For all these and countless more, I LOVE YOU!

Anne-Louise, Panda. I am so glad that LnD started so we could get to know each other. I don’t know if you remember but I think we were first introduced during one of the church conferences and I remember thinking you were a ‘Daniel’ chick. Things I’ve learnt from you- compassion and nurturing. Yes shocking I know! But I can honestly say that I don’t think I personally know someone with a heart of compassion like yours. I see that and I know God has amazing plans for your life. And no one mothers like you! Some may not notice when you do it, but I know you make the effort to do everything in your power to meet the needs of those around you. Thank you!

I didn’t know what to say for these girls to I left you guys last but far from least.

Caitlyn: my 2nd mentor (I’m so blessed to have 2!). I didn’t know what to expect really. But whatever it was I did expect, you were/are far more. You are a fountain of wisdom, a tower of strength, a refuge for the hurting, and a warrior for the cause of God. All these qualities are in you and you are still normal! Amazing right? I love how God works. When we have no idea what His plans are, as they slowly unfold you get to be amazed over and over again about how you could never have planned it any better (or even dreamt any better).

Rach: you dedicated a whole post to me- this isn’t the same but I had to do something. We are SSSOOOOOOOOOOO different!!!!!!!!!! But don’t you just love that!!!!!! We love the same things- drama, baking (though I don’t like it as much as you), UQ4, and most importantly God. Man I miss you!!!!!!!!!! We have learnt so much from each other but I’ll focus on one area. Cohesiveness………..that’s why I started off by saying we were so different. No one but God can take two people like us, bring us together, we become friends, live together, lead together, and love EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF IT! We have learnt what our strengths and weaknesses are and grown to work together as a team. I love how we cover such different areas and in the end, cover everything. Miss our teamwork and understanding. The fact that we are so different yet have accepted each other exactly as who we are I think has been a ministry all on its own. Love you babe!

Flora: the quiet but diligent worker, always behind the scenes. Our house sure was a mixture of all sorts of characters. How did we not just survive, but thrive? You take a while to make a statement, but when you do, its something worth hearing and more. One thing I’ll point out as having learned from you, your acceptance to change. I say this coz you are a natural perfectionist! If something isn’t done a certain way, it almost makes you itch until its done right. Despite this, you allow God to change you. You have tolerated so much from me (and from all the housemates) and yet in all that you have remained humble and like clay in Gods hands. I know you think you take a long time to come along side with God but for me, every time I have seen you surrender again and again to God, my heart has said ‘God I want a heart like hers’. That has been your testimony to me

These women you see here have been my inspiration. They all carry qualities I lack and would love to have but since that isn’t the case, I keep them close to some of them rubs off on me. I look at the story of Jonathan and David and their friendship, I look at my life and my friendships and think: David only had 1, I have many.

Raw

I have been opening this page for writing a new post almost everyday. And on every occasion I just stared at the screen and opened another tab and went on with what it was I was doing. I really have no idea what to share.

I have been reminded so much of the Psalms this month. And every time I read a Psalm of David crying out to God to be delivered or for justice or not to die sometimes to die, I remember that he was on the run for about 20yrs. For 20yrs Saul tried to kill him, even though he had done no wrong. For 20yrs he had stayed with the promise from God that he would one day be king. I love the Psalms because David hides nothing. He doesn’t hide his anger at the situation around him- at what seemingly looks like evil winning. He doesn’t hide his longing both for salvation from the situation or his desperate longing for God. He is completely bare before God.

I’ve had a lot of time to read a lot of the bible these past 6 months and the one thing that has struck me over and over again is the people. These are hallmarks of faith, these are legends. And when I read their stories I realized they were human. They got scared (Isaiah), they hid away from God (Jonah), they doubted Him (Thomas), they doubted themselves (Peter), they wanted to die (Isaiah again), they got angry (Peter), they got tired (Jesus)……..I can go on but you get my drift. I have been all these things and more. And when I have read the bible, sometimes I have felt that what these people have written was impossible to attain for me- it didn’t relate to me. But there is nothing new under the sun. These people who began this journey was before I was born finished it. They endured, they persevered, they conquered.

I read this post today and it just hit home. Being a christian, knowing God, doesn’t mean you are happy. Drawing closer to Him and surrendering to Him also isn’t a surety of happiness. I have learnt the hard way that the devils you fight only become bigger, the closer you get to God. Life doesn’t become a breeze. I get angry and I have pain and I have burdens and I struggle to overcome every single hour of every single day. I pay close attention to all my thoughts lest I leave them and find myself in a pit of self-pity or a red haze of anger. I am human too.

This version of “How He Loves” was sung by the one who actually wrote the song. I love it.

Imagine with me this:

you lose something precious to you. It wasn’t something vain that you wanted to keep for yourself but it was dear to you and you don’t understand why. You know that verses in the bible and the quotes that everyone utters of ‘its going to be alright’ or ‘God has a plan for your life’. You are not denying it, but right now your heart is broken and all you feel is pain and no amount of reason can penetrate. With the pain comes anger. Anger that everything else in the world has remained the same and is moving on while you cannot. Anger because you didn’t chose this and you really just do not understand. And in the midst of all this, God wraps you in His arms. You fight, you rave and shout at the injustice of it all. And instead of letting you go, He holds you even tighter and all you can do is break down right there in his arms- no pretense, just pure raw emotion. And He holds your broken self to Himself and keeps you there till you heal.

That to me is How He Loves- right there with you, in your mess and pain He comes.

And that my friend is my Christianity.

Killing myself

Whenever my mind is on overdrive with different thoughts especially about circumstances I cant change, I do one of two things; talk to someone- not for their opinion but sometimes hearing yourself gives you a different way of looking at issues, or write about it. I haven’t included prayer in this list because it goes without saying that prayer is always my first reaction. Today I decided to write it out, or maybe I should say type it out, here.

My future has been hanging in the balance since december of last year. Actually it’s what I thought my future should be. I have prayed and sought God and fasted and I don’t know what else (as you can tell I’ve done a lot) to find out what God’s will for my life is. And I’ve had silence. It’s been frustrating to say the least.

I got am email from a friend today that opened my eyes like nothing else. Its made me look at myself again and realize exactly how I look to God who is looking at me. In the past, every single time God has been silent over an issue I’ve prayed about, it was because the answer He had was something I wouldn’t accept or that the character that got built through the search for the answer, was the answer.

After getting rid of my ideas and my worries and my desires and stripping myself to be bare, I finally realized what has been driving me to do everything I have been doing- FEAR. Of letting go of my future and allowing God full reign over my life. And seeing that has made me speechless. I don’t have a plan of action.

I’m going to do all I know how to do- be with God. Just be in His presence without an agenda. My problems will still be there but what I want is the strength to let go of my life. To knoe without a doubt that nothing on the earth can compare to Him and I’m willing to gladly cling to His will and desiring nothing else. The strength to fix my eyes not on things of this earth but to heaven my final home. To not think of temporary things, but things eternal. I want to die to self. I don’t want my desires. I don’t want my will. I want Christ to live through me completely.

I’m not sure what this entails. But I want to do whatever it takes to get my eyes off myself and off this earth and onto Him and His kingdom.

Take this journey with me? Pray for me? Just be with me me as I take this journey. I know I will come out a totally new person.

Almost There

Last year me and a couple of friends decided to climb up Mt Barney. Now I have absolutely no idea what came over me to agree to go. I was the only girl and at the beginning the guys kept on talking about a show called “Man vs Wild”. Now I’d heard of the show but never watched it. But one thing hearing about the show made me realise; you will never see a black guy on a nature program. Seriously, we don’t do nature that well, contrary to popular belief, the only time we really get in touch with nature is when we go to the national park and even then, we are in a jeep very far away from the animals. So as I’m climbing up I’m thinking “Naomie, you’re going against your natural instinct. And to make it worse you have a fear of heights…..what were you thinking…how are you going to get down?”

Anyway, you catch my drift. To help motivate myself to make it to the top, I broke down the journey to reachable points. I would keep telling myself “almost there….almost there” and after reaching each point, I would find another point and reach that one. And so it went until the pain started really digging in and I had no energy to spend speaking. Then one of the guys decided to take over from me and kept saying “almost there…..almost there”. Now when he said it, it was very grating. Every time we looked up and thought the top was at a point, we would reach that point and realise the clouds were hiding the actual top which was further up. By the time we reached the cloud line and couldn’t see below us, we were really tired. Now when the friend said “almost there”, I said “did I sound that irritating?”. Saying that out loud made me really think. How come when I said it, it was an encouragement but when my friend said it all I could think of was “SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE AREN’T ALMOST THERE”.

PERSPECTIVE

That is what had changed. At the beginning I was focused on the goal and because of that, I was motivated to reach it. Towards the end of the journey I was so focused and the pain and wishing it would end, that I didn’t want to listen to “almost there”, all I wanted to hear was “thats it guys, we’ve reached the top”.

I remembered all this last week. Because I had reached the stage of not wanting God to tell me “almost there”, I wanted only to hear “That’s it, this is the end”. And that meant that I was so focused on the pain and the hard work that the journey takes that I forgot about the goal. And in my mind, the goal became not as worth while as when I started out. So the obvious solution would be to change perspective. Eyes on the goal again.

Always remember: YOU ARE ALMOST THERE

Success=>Significance

Life is not about a task to accomplish- what we call the process, God calls the goal.

I have always been driven to succeed. Psychology 101 would say its because of my childhood and growing up in a big family, being the last born and striving to make a mark for myself and live outside the shadows of my siblings. Kind of true. Didn’t help that we all went to the same primary and secondary schools making sure that teachers never knew exactly which sibling I was or when they did, which name.

But to tell the truth, even if I didn’t have siblings, I would strive to succeed. In sport, I never played anything that I was not good at and when I was good, I made sure I was one of the best if not the best. In academics, it wasn’t about what grade I got but about who I beat, especially my brother because we had an ongoing bet as to who was smarter.

As you grow up you realise that you don’t have to be good at everything and that everyone is different. So I focused on being damn good at what I was good at. So basically you get the drift- life is not about winning but I’ve never seen a happy loser.

So of course I have had to change my perspective. What exactly drives the need for success?……..

SIGNIFICANCE.

The simple thought: I make a mark in life and if I'm not there I will be missed.

And my significance is not supposed to come from achieving anything. It comes from Christ. And I have been guilty of bringing this strive for success into ministry- wanting to be significant. But my worth, my value is not in what I do but in what He has already done.

This is success: 'That I love Him because He first loved me; therefore I am successful'

His plan is good

There is one thing I am sure of; this one thing that I will never be shaken;

GOD LOVES ME AND HIS PLAN FOR ME IS GOOD.

Everything else really comes from this belief. Sometimes complicating things makes it so hard to hang on. Just this sentence has carried me and is still carrying me and will carry me for the rest of my life.

Its amazing what life can bring once you surrender your all and lay it before God and ask Him to use you only for His purposes. And no matter the circumstance, His plan is good.

Pause.

Life is defined by moments. There are  snapshots of childhood:

• when dad came home on an ordinary day after work and I ran into his arms and he lifted me up and threw me in the air. This memory reminds me of the sense of innocence and faith without doubt.

Snapshots of adolescence:

• coming home from highschool and sitting on the fence at home and watching people and cars pass on the main road and wondering what is going on in each person’s life. This memory reminds me that it is never all about me.

Snapshots of everything after that:

• walking from the bus stop after coming from uni and getting a surreal feeling. Like I can’t believe I am here and this is a part of my regular life. This reminds me that God has a purpose for my life.
  

Life is full of snapshots. Moments that for some reason or other, your brain just pressed pause and every now and then the scene will replay in your mind. For me these moments tend to be defining. They are the epitome of who I was at the time and just the remembrance of it would explain a lot about the kind of person I was at the time; the innocent child, the curious yet extremely intrinsic teenager, and the seemingly confident girl-cum-woman.

Another category of these ‘pause’ moments (I just like calling them that) are the ones with God. For me, these are not self-defining moments but God discovery moments. Its either something I have for a long time had knowledge of but all of a sudden, the revelation from the Holy Spirit makes this knowledge become a conviction and I KNOW, that I KNOW, that I KNOW, that that is who God is. Or it is a moment of pure discovery or I think a better description would be pure enlightenment- where you find another treasure about God and it makes you just be more in awe of Him and more in love with Him than ever before. This post will try and put to words a ‘pause’ moment that is a combination of both.

I once heard a description of men and woman with reference to food; men are oranges while women are onions. Why you may ask? An orange is pealed once and that’s it, you got the different compartments but no more layer. Women on the other hand have a lot of layers to peel off. It was a joke, but in a sense very true I think. The journey with God and becoming who He has called me to be (which I will be on for my whole life), is one of layer peeling. And the funny thing, I find, is that I don’t even know that some of these layers exist! And as each layer is peeled off, I see clearer in terms of what God wants me to change and the reason why I should change. It hurts, but its worth it.

Another layer was removed yesterday, and underneath I saw the ‘tough’ girl crying because the only reason she is tough is because she thought life will always be tough and so she had to learn to meet it head on and this stemmed from a belief that she was not loved like other people, she was born to ‘suck it up’ and ‘tough it out’. The Pause moment was God reaching out with arms wide open- so wide that she was hidden completely within- and completely embracing her. An embrace so tender and gentle, as if she was something so fragile that any pressure would break her. Yet one that had so much strength and protection that she knew nothing could break the embrace and tear her away. The revelation was that everything God does is out of love, and never doubt that; the love that He has was never in doubt. The enlightenment was the gentle and tender embrace. Not the ‘tough love’ that the layer portrayed but the gentle embrace because He knows every single fragility.

Never ever miss these moments. They are what make up your life. More than that, treasure the God pause moments, but know that they are even more ahead. Let each moment draw you closer to Him and if it doesn’t, erase it.